1. Military Family and Support Centers.

Each branch of the military has them but they have different names depending on the branch. It is worth reaching out to them as they would be able to talk to you and give you a thorough list of benefits that apply to your specific branch. I have worked with families in the Navy, Coast Guard, Air Force, Army, and Marines and what I have found is that while most of the benefits are the same from one branch to another there are things that vary; like how many days of leave you get, etc.

2. Military OneSource.

I often get calls from Military OneSource which is a resource that families can use to help get started. They have representatives who will do some of the leg work for you (finding out costs, what type of programs agencies offer in the area where you live, etc.). Their website is www.militaryonesource.mil/.

3. Adoption Subsidy.

If you are active duty military then you are eligible for up to $2,000 in reimbursement for qualifying adoption expenses. You do need to wait until the adoption is finalized to receive it and must be active duty when the adoption is finalized. So, make sure that you keep receipts for all adoption expenses.

4. Adoption Leave.

Parents in the military are eligible for three weeks of adoption leave uncharged (at least in the Navy, again, this could vary branch to branch within the military) vs. 10 days of paternity leave for having a child biologically. This is not something that every Command is aware of, so you may need to bring in a copy of the policy to show (I had one family who had to go this route) in order to get the three weeks approved. 

5. Health Insurance. 

As soon as a family signs an adoptive placement agreement or their internationally adopted child comes home to them, they are able to enroll the child in DEERS and then Tricare. Families I work with typically don’t have a problem, but every so often I get calls about issues. I always say try a second person as you will probably get a different result (and they often do) or, if there are problems let me know and I, as their adoption worker, can get involved. There are Federal Laws that protect adoptive families and allow the child to be immediately added onto their health insurance as long as it is within 30 days of placement. 

6. Resources after Adoption.

While your local agency should offer post adoption support as a military family you may move away from the area soon after you adopt. There are many resources for military families such as child developmental programs, confidential services, parenting resources, and family advocacy programs. While the resources and support are out there it will be important for you, as the parents, to be proactive and advocate for the services and support that your child and family will need.

The post 6 Adoption Benefits When You’re in the Military appeared first on Adoption Forums | Chat Forum & Adoptee Search Message Boards.

It is important that you do your research. My recommendation is to start the process relatively quickly after relocating to a new duty station. Be proactive and start researching agencies in the area where you will be moving prior to actually moving there. Ask for inquiry packets, narrow down your options, and know where you want to focus your attention. As you know you have many options when it comes to adoption; domestic infant, private infant adoption, international adoption, or adoption through foster care. All are perfectly ascertainable as a military family. From my experience, areas of the country that are used to working with military families tend to have a lot more expertise, wisdom, and knowledge in how to help with this.

Once you have decided on what type of adoption you are looking for and have settled on an agency, then get working on your home study as quickly as possible. Also, you do not have to be living stateside to adopt. If you are a military family who is deployed overseas it is still possible to adopt. You will need to have an agency stateside that you are working with (in the state of your legal residence), but then you can use one of the few agencies out there to have your home study completed while living abroad. Adopt Abroad, Inc. (http://adopt-abroad.com/) is an example of an agency out there that has social workers living in various parts of the world who can complete adoption home studies for you. While there can be some additional hoops to jump through adopting either domestically or internationally while living abroad, it is possible.

Some practical things to consider as you pursue adoption:

1. How long will I be living my current area? This may help you determine what type of adoption you want to pursue. If you were to move prior to a placement then you would need to look into having a home study update completed in the state where you are moving. You may still be able to stay with your original agency (if pursuing a domestic adoption) if they allow it. It would not be a problem if you are adopting internationally. Your home study would need to be updated to meet the state requirements and then sent to USCIS to be updated in their system. 

2. Deployments/Detachments – if you are a military family these are a reality. You will want to make sure that you are prepared in case a placement happens when a spouse is deployed. Make sure to have a Power of Attorney in place that is specific to adoption. Also, talk to your adoption agency so that you know what you may or may not be able to take part in. I have done Skype birth parent/adoptive parent meeting and was even able to use Skype so that an adoptive parent could be present for their placement day while deployed in Afghanistan.

3. This is not something that is for the faint of heart. Those embarking on this journey must be completely comfortable in their role as both an active duty military member and the spouse of an active duty military member. Clear communication and expectations must take place. Life-altering decisions may be made by the non-active duty spouse while the other is deployed (like taking placement of a child or accepting a referral).

Adoption is exciting. It is also nerve-racking, emotionally exhausting, an adventure, and a journey. While it can be a roller coaster ride for any family, it can be an even larger roller coaster for a military family. That being said, don’t let the fact that you are an active duty military family stop you. Ask questions, connect with experts. If you live in an area where there are not many military, call an adoption agency in an area with a high military presence as they may be able to give you and the agency you are working with helpful advice. Most importantly, take a moment to step back and enjoy the journey of adoption that you are beginning.

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About six weeks after our first meeting, the agency was asking if I could forward forms to my husband for him to sign and fill out. There were some I could do on his stead (like applications for clearances – which, by the way, you’ll have to have for every duty station for the past six years). But then they asked me send him some paperwork. Um… no. I couldn’t. My husband was on a submarine. Which means no mail service. 

“When is he going to port?” they’d ask.

I’d have to be honest, “I don’t know.”  

“Well, when will he be back so we can schedule a home study with both of you?”  

“I don’t know.”

They didn’t like my answer, but in our branch of the Navy, we get less than 24 hours notice of homecomings and deployments. Most agencies don’t work that fast. In fact, we didn’t find one that did. That caused us to shelve our plans to adopt until he had a rotation on shore duty in 2015.

Luckily, in 2014 he was on land for a significant period of time and his command was agreeable to letting him out of shifts so that we could attend mandatory classes and meetings. We were able to get our foster license in 2015. By the time we were able to get our clearances back from everywhere he had served, and get on the list, the people we had gone to class with  earlier that year had already finalized their adoptions. And here we were – just getting on the list…

If the adopting family happens to PCS during the process, they will have to work with the states to get the child over state lines – just like any other out of state adoption. This can cause more delays.

The delays can be incredibly frustrating, but keep in your heart that your children are out there and they are family –they just don’t know it yet.

Check out this awesome resource on your journey to adopt as a military family.

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5. Because you do not believe that there is a difference between races-ethnicities.

You can do a quick Internet search to find articles bemoaning the myth of “colorblindness” but to summarize: your personal view of race aside, race-ethnicity is a vital component in our culture and will not be ineffectual in your child’s life simply because you say so. A child of another race-ethnicity needs you to be positively aware of their racial identity, to acknowledge and celebrate their individuality and cultural history, and to provide access to resources and relationships with members of their race-ethnicity.

4. To change or “teach a lesson to” prejudiced family members or friends.

If you have family members who hold prejudice, overt or subtle, your child will suffer the consequences. They may be forced to endure hurtful comments or sense unfair/unequal treatment and affections, or feel unjustified guilt for causing tension between you and your extended family members. No child deserves to bear that burden. Find other avenues of activism if that is your goal. 

3. Because you feel the need to “rescue” or “save” a child from its minority culture.

If you’ve had this idea or something similar, I would strongly encourage you to examine your own understanding of racial stereotypes and personal prejudices you may not have dealt with just yet. Every culture has positive and negative attributes and many things that fall into the “different, not wrong” category. It’s very important to educate yourself and to search out those blind spots before risking a child’s emotional and mental well-being.

2. Because you think the process will move more quickly.

Adoption is a waiting game and there are no ethical shortcuts.

1.  Because you think it will be cheaper.

There are so many areas of life where you can seek out sales, bargains, and discounts; adoption should not be one of them! Especially where international adoption is concerned, scams and unethical agencies abound. You do not want to find yourself in the middle of a child-trafficking ring because you jumped at the chance to save money on a human life. Moreover, if any of the other concerns listed here apply to your situation, it’s in no way fair to disregard the considerations and challenges of transracial adoption simply for the sake of finances.

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Eighteen years and five transracial adoptions later, I’ve heard it all. Some situations reflect well intended but misguided efforts, others are thoughtless and insensitive, and still others are downright rude. Here are some things you will likely face as a transracial adoptive parent:

1. Not being automatically recognized as your child’s parent

This happened many more times than the situation described above and continues to happen as our children have gotten older. Every birthday party at a friend’s house, every parent/teacher conference, every new activity is a potentially confusing introduction waiting to happen. A sense of humor comes in really handy at these moments. It may also help to remember than many biologicall- formed interracial families are dealing with the same thing.

2. Being eyed suspiciously while interacting with your child

This is particularly relevant to fathers and especially uncomfortable if your child happens to be crying. My poor husband has suffered the indignity of carrying more than one weary toddler out of a store as they scream, “I want mommy!”

3. Being asked very personal questions about your adoption and your child’s birth family

“Are you babysitting?” was a common reaction to our family outings. It’s harmless enough but unfortunately, the explanation (no, these are our children) often opens the door to much more prying interrogations. And unfortunately, most people are ignorant of adoption positive language, opting instead for questions like, “What happened to their real parents?” or “Are they real brothers/sisters?” For the most part, I try to see these as opportunities to educate the general public about adoption and also tackle racial stereotypes. 

4. Being asked about the adoption process

Lots of people have “thought about” adoption, and when you are part of a transracial adoption, it’s like a neon sign letting everyone know that you have the answers to their questions. Sometimes I have nowhere in particular to be and will gladly talk through specifics. But when you just don’t have time (or energy), it can be helpful to drop a few good resource references (i.e. Adoption.com) and leave them to do the research.

5. People will stare

My two sons and I were having lunch with a friend and her children one day. She leaned over and said, “How did you get use to this?” I guess I had grown accustomed to it because I wasn’t even aware of all the looks being cast in our direction. It happens. Sometimes it’s benign curiosity and other times it’s, well, other things, but it’s almost always best to ignore it.

A good dose of laughter, transparency, and giving people the benefit of the doubt can help in all these scenarios but remember, how much or how little you share about your experience is up to you. If someone’s line of questioning is too much or makes you feel uncomfortable, a polite “that’s none of your business” works, too.

The post 5 Things That Happen When You’re a Transracial Adoptive Parent appeared first on Adoption Forums | Chat Forum & Adoptee Search Message Boards.

1. Seek out significant persons of the same culture as your child.

Keep the child connected to his culture by keeping him connected to one person in his past, if possible. Perhaps it’s a relative, family friend, or clergy. It has been a blessing to have open adoptions where our children can learn new words, jewelry, and family history. If you are adopting internationally, seek advice from a person of the same culture. They have insights that you could never have dreamed.

2. Learn about the food of your child’s culture.

Most foster children have feeding issues. From hoarding food to overeating, to not eating enough, foster/adopted children can use food as a control issues. Add to that an adopted child from another culture, the prospects can be daunting! A way to cut down on the control issues while learning about exotic foods is to research foods from that culture. Is your child from Mexico? Try making tamales or tacos (but not from Taco Bell, haha!). Is your child Native American? Make fry bread! Better yet, let your child help you. My daughter, who was born in India, loves naan bread and we try to buy it every chance we get. This will keep your child connected to his culture and will reduce battles at the dinner table.

3. Learn about the hairstyle of your child’s culture.

Take this quiz:

A black child’s hair needs to be washed every day. True or False?

A black child’s hair needs to be blow dried after each wash.  True or False?

A black child’s hair is generally oily.  True or false?

Answer the following: What are razor bumps?

If you are Caucasian and answered True to any of the above questions and don’t know what razor bumps are, you need to be educated. Do research or take classes in African-American hair care. Seek out stores/salons that specialize in this type of hair and hair product (i.e. Sally Beauty Supply). Or seek an African-American friend or family member that may be able to care for your child’s hair. Hair can be very important in many cultures. Take the time to research hair care. 

4. Learn about the dress/jewelry of your child’s culture.

Are you adopting from an Asian nation? Research the dress, traditions, and heritage from that nation. Start a new tradition in your home like, removing your shoes at the door. Is your child Native American? Research the history of turquoise jewelry in Native cultures. Is your child from India? Research what a traditional “sari” or what a “bindi” is. This can fun before you bring that child into your home and really fun if you allow your child to participate.

5. Research festivals/rites of passage of your child’s culture.

Is your son from a Jewish heritage? Consider a Bar Mizpah when he turns 13 y/o. Does your daughter have Mexican heritage? Consider a quinceanera when she turns 15 y/o. Is your child Native American? Look for Pow Wows in your area. Compare different Native tribes in your area. Learn the names of the clans your child descends from. These things may not be important to you, but one day, they will be important to your child. Be prepared!

Here’s the bottom line: a child from a different culture or nationality or race does not automatically adapt to your culture when you adopt. Therefore, you must make the best effort to adapt to hers. It’s a matter of blending cultures. Prepare by learning as much as possible, seeking out advice from others, swallowing your pride and putting yourself in the child’s situation.  

The post 5 Ways to Prepare for a Transracial Adoption appeared first on Adoption Forums | Chat Forum & Adoptee Search Message Boards.

Within two years into our marriage, my wife and I had put a plan in motion. Through our church, we began foster care classes. Our world completely changed about a week after our classes ended when we were called and told there was a child waiting for us. Then we were told she had a sister too. Three years later, those two girls were adopted on National Adoption day. They are watching Nina’s World downstairs as I write.

That is just our story, but adoptions come in many forms. Whatever form your adoption takes, you will undoubtedly deal with the well-meaning family and friends that may stick their foot in it. They will say or do something to make your child uncomfortable. You will have to forgive them. You, too, at some point will make mistakes. You will also have to forgive yourself. It would be great if we could crawl inside our child’s mind and know what is going on there. It would be great if we all knew the right thing to say, the right thing to do.

We have learned a few things about being adopted over the years, so here are the five things we feel people just don’t get about being adopted.

1. My biological family’s story is none of your business.

Someone always wants to know the gory details as to what happened to our girls’ parents. How disrespectful would it be to tell the world about their family without their permission? Your child’s story belongs them, and no one else. They should be the first ones to hear about their background. Let them decide at the proper time who and how to tell.

2. Just because I am in foster care or adopted doesn’t mean I am charity.

You may have heard comments like “Wow, what a wonderful thing you are doing,” Or “Your children should be grateful.” Foster care and adoption is not a charity we are donating to. Although well meaning, sometimes people just don’t get that this is our family, and these are our kids–like for real–our kids.

3. I will never stop asking about my biological family.

Many years ago, it was more common to have completely closed adoptions. Things have changed as we realized that it was harmful to keep these secrets from our children. It is normal for children to want to know where they come from. Our kids know that they have a “belly” mommy, and they know they are adopted. We show them the photos of adoption day often. As they grow, there will be more questions, and it is our responsibility to handle them in a way that helps them mature in their understanding while still protecting their hearts.

4. I can handle things better than you think.

We are white, and our kids are black. So being the protective parents we are, we were worried about the looks and stares we were getting. One day our oldest was playing in the playground when another child looked at us and said to her “Your mommy is white. That is not right.” We cringed. Yet our child answered right back. “Yes that is my mommy. And this is my sister. Want to play?” The conversation was over, and life went on. She was not traumatized, and the other girl accepted her answer. Your child is adopted. But other than that, she is just a child like any other. She will probably be okay.

5. Not everything that happens to me is because I am adopted.

Things are changing in our world, but not fast enough. The reality is that there is still that feeling in many minds that adopted kids are damaged goods. Too many times I hear about someone committing a crime or getting into trouble, followed by the fact that they are adopted, as if that is the cause. While it is true that many in the foster care system do get into trouble, so do many children not involved in foster care and adoption. We don’t need kids in our society believing that their adopted status is a strike against them. We need to empower all children to be the best they can be, without stigmatizing them because of something they had no control over.

Not everyone around you will understand your journey or about being adopted. So sometimes they just won’t get it. They don’t know what to say, or how to act around you and your children. We learned early on to have a thick skin, and to realize that in most cases, people don’t do the wrong things purposely. They just don’t know. As members of the adoption community it is a great opportunity for us to be the shining light about being adopted in our society. Remember that your children are also watching and will learn from your example.

To find and participate in adoption forums and message boards, visit Adoption.com/forums.

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When you adopt or foster a newborn, you may not always know what sort of pre-birth trauma he or she has experienced. You will know that he or she has endured at least one trauma: being separated from his or her birth mom. This means you will need to ensure he or she feels safe and secure. Trauma and infant adoption are not strangers to each other. Trauma has been explained this way:

“An overwhelming physical or emotional event for which a child has no words to describe his pain.”

Knowing this, what can a parent do to encourage a feeling of safety for the child which will in turn allow him or her to bond with you?

1. Hold your child as much as possible. At this stage, you cannot spoil him or her. When a baby remains with his or her birth mother the baby automatically knows mom. Her smell and the sound of her voice will be familiar, bringing comfort. Your new baby will have to learn to know his or her mother. To aid in this, only mom should feed and comfort your child. Wearing your baby in a sling close to your heart is one way to keep baby nearby while getting your work done.

2. Keep visitors to a bare minimum until the baby is settled in.

3. Keep the home quiet and lights down.

4. Even if your baby appears healthy, it is good to find a developmental pediatrician who will guide you as you make decisions for your baby.

5. It is so tempting to show your new little one to family and friends. In the first weeks especially, stay home whenever possible. Your baby has been through an incredible amount of trauma and he or she needs stability and security to bond and heal.

6. If possible find out if your new baby was exposed to any illegal substances. An infant will go through withdrawal after birth if mom was using drugs. Withdrawal is painful and your baby will be easily overstimulated. Do not hesitate to ask your baby’s pediatrician if you have any concerns.

7. Find a support group for adoptive mothers. While bringing a new baby home is a wonderful experience, it can also be a stressful time. Having a listening ear can make all the difference!

For more information about trauma and infant adoption, click here.

To find adoption message boards that discuss trauma and infant adoption, visit Adoption.com/forums to find an adoption forum you can participate in.

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I’ve been a foster parent for the better part of the last four years. In March 2013, I started the process to become licensed in the state of Texas. By May, I had completed those requirements and was licensed in June of that same year. In July, I began receiving calls for placements. I accepted a call on July 12, 2013 for my first placement. A little boy, who I was told was non-verbal, came to my door at two years and seven months old. I was not this little one’s first placement into foster care. By the time my little guy came to me that July 12th he had already been moved three times. This is what foster care adoption can look like.

1. Time

The first aspect to know about adoption from foster care that I believe anyone fostering to adopt needs to understand is that it takes A LONG TIME to get to the point of adoption in most cases. My son came to me in the summer of 2013. His parents’ visitation rights were terminated in October of 2014. The case didn’t move to terminate parental rights until October of 2015.  Parental rights were not terminated until February of 2016. His biological mother appealed the decision to have her rights terminated. The appeal wasn’t denied until June of 2016. Adoption wasn’t finalized until September 1, 2016. By this time, my little guy had been in foster care for nearly four years, and hadn’t seen his biological parents in two of those four years.

2. Not Every Case Will Move To Adoption

Not all cases move to adoption, no matter how long the child is in your care. Just because a child comes into your care does not mean that child will become adoptable. The number one motive of foster care is to reunite families. Often times, families are given years to try to get custody of their children back.

3. Infant Adoption Is Rare

Infant adoptions, especially newborn adoptions, from foster care are RARE. Even if a family takes a baby home from the hospital to foster, it is unlikely they will be able to adopt that child. The reason being the above point (the goal of foster care is family reunification, and the parents are given a lot of time to try to gain custody of their children back).

4. Adoption from foster care IS POSSIBLE!

In the state of Texas alone there are more than 6000 children waiting to be adopted from foster care.

5. Qualifications are pretty inclusive

A person does not have to be married, wealthy, a stay-at-home parent, be of a certain sexual orientation, or be of a certain religion to adopt a child from foster care. I became a foster parent as a single woman at age 34. I am certainly not wealthy, but I do work full-time. I cannot afford to be a stay-at-home parent, but the state has always paid for my foster children’s daycare expenses while they were in foster care. All one must provide is a safe, loving home, free of a criminal history.

6. Adopting From Foster Care Rarely Costs

There is RARELY A FINANCIAL COST to adopting from foster care. Often times the state pays the attorney fees needed to file an adoption of a foster child once parental rights have been terminated. The key is to find an attorney who will file the adoption for the amount of the fee that the Department of Family and Protective Services will pay. The attorney that I hired charged me NOTHING out of pocket to adopt my son. There is often financial benefits to a family once a child is adopted. Depending on the special circumstances of the child you adopt they may qualify for an adoption subsidy. My son, because he is a minority over the age of two at the time of adoption, qualified for the full subsidy, which in Texas is $400 per month until he turns 18.

7. There Will Be An Emotional Toll

Fighting for a foster child and praying to adopt them takes a huge emotional toll. The fight is worth it, but it’s best to be prepared for what could happen and that the judge may not rule on the side of the foster parents. Have support from others around you, because you’ll need it regardless of the outcome.

8. Your Life Will Never Be The Same

Adopting from foster care will change your life and the life of the child/children you adopt. To see a child flourish, grow, and become the little people they were meant to be, despite knowing the life they came out of, is one of the greatest blessings anyone could ever ask for in life. Often times the toll was so great on me in the fight for my son, that I wanted to give up, but I knew this child as well as others I fostered needed me to be their voice, needed me to fight for them, and if I didn’t there was no idea where they would end up or what would have become of them.

When you adopt or foster an infant, one word that is seldom discussed is trauma. People naturally assume a newborn is a clean slate when in fact the child has 9 months of “information” imprinted in his little body.

When a baby is being formed in the womb he is in a sense subject to whatever his mother is experiencing, be it good or bad. If the mom to be is calm and joyfully anticipating his arrival, he will be conditioned to expect the world to be a happy place when he is born. If however the mother to be has been abused, is consuming illegal substances or has mental health issues, the baby may well be born already assuming the world is a hard, scary place. This is because an unborn child is already subconsciously if you will, learning what the world is all about even before he makes his debut.

To read more advice and stories about foster care adoption, or to join in on the adoption discussion, visit Adoption.com/forums to find adoption boards, and forums.  

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