5. Because you do not believe that there is a difference between races-ethnicities.

You can do a quick Internet search to find articles bemoaning the myth of “colorblindness” but to summarize: your personal view of race aside, race-ethnicity is a vital component in our culture and will not be ineffectual in your child’s life simply because you say so. A child of another race-ethnicity needs you to be positively aware of their racial identity, to acknowledge and celebrate their individuality and cultural history, and to provide access to resources and relationships with members of their race-ethnicity.

4. To change or “teach a lesson to” prejudiced family members or friends.

If you have family members who hold prejudice, overt or subtle, your child will suffer the consequences. They may be forced to endure hurtful comments or sense unfair/unequal treatment and affections, or feel unjustified guilt for causing tension between you and your extended family members. No child deserves to bear that burden. Find other avenues of activism if that is your goal. 

3. Because you feel the need to “rescue” or “save” a child from its minority culture.

If you’ve had this idea or something similar, I would strongly encourage you to examine your own understanding of racial stereotypes and personal prejudices you may not have dealt with just yet. Every culture has positive and negative attributes and many things that fall into the “different, not wrong” category. It’s very important to educate yourself and to search out those blind spots before risking a child’s emotional and mental well-being.

2. Because you think the process will move more quickly.

Adoption is a waiting game and there are no ethical shortcuts.

1.  Because you think it will be cheaper.

There are so many areas of life where you can seek out sales, bargains, and discounts; adoption should not be one of them! Especially where international adoption is concerned, scams and unethical agencies abound. You do not want to find yourself in the middle of a child-trafficking ring because you jumped at the chance to save money on a human life. Moreover, if any of the other concerns listed here apply to your situation, it’s in no way fair to disregard the considerations and challenges of transracial adoption simply for the sake of finances.

The post 5 Reasons Not to Adopt Transracially appeared first on Adoption Forums | Chat Forum & Adoptee Search Message Boards.

Eighteen years and five transracial adoptions later, I’ve heard it all. Some situations reflect well intended but misguided efforts, others are thoughtless and insensitive, and still others are downright rude. Here are some things you will likely face as a transracial adoptive parent:

1. Not being automatically recognized as your child’s parent

This happened many more times than the situation described above and continues to happen as our children have gotten older. Every birthday party at a friend’s house, every parent/teacher conference, every new activity is a potentially confusing introduction waiting to happen. A sense of humor comes in really handy at these moments. It may also help to remember than many biologicall- formed interracial families are dealing with the same thing.

2. Being eyed suspiciously while interacting with your child

This is particularly relevant to fathers and especially uncomfortable if your child happens to be crying. My poor husband has suffered the indignity of carrying more than one weary toddler out of a store as they scream, “I want mommy!”

3. Being asked very personal questions about your adoption and your child’s birth family

“Are you babysitting?” was a common reaction to our family outings. It’s harmless enough but unfortunately, the explanation (no, these are our children) often opens the door to much more prying interrogations. And unfortunately, most people are ignorant of adoption positive language, opting instead for questions like, “What happened to their real parents?” or “Are they real brothers/sisters?” For the most part, I try to see these as opportunities to educate the general public about adoption and also tackle racial stereotypes. 

4. Being asked about the adoption process

Lots of people have “thought about” adoption, and when you are part of a transracial adoption, it’s like a neon sign letting everyone know that you have the answers to their questions. Sometimes I have nowhere in particular to be and will gladly talk through specifics. But when you just don’t have time (or energy), it can be helpful to drop a few good resource references (i.e. Adoption.com) and leave them to do the research.

5. People will stare

My two sons and I were having lunch with a friend and her children one day. She leaned over and said, “How did you get use to this?” I guess I had grown accustomed to it because I wasn’t even aware of all the looks being cast in our direction. It happens. Sometimes it’s benign curiosity and other times it’s, well, other things, but it’s almost always best to ignore it.

A good dose of laughter, transparency, and giving people the benefit of the doubt can help in all these scenarios but remember, how much or how little you share about your experience is up to you. If someone’s line of questioning is too much or makes you feel uncomfortable, a polite “that’s none of your business” works, too.

The post 5 Things That Happen When You’re a Transracial Adoptive Parent appeared first on Adoption Forums | Chat Forum & Adoptee Search Message Boards.

1. Seek out significant persons of the same culture as your child.

Keep the child connected to his culture by keeping him connected to one person in his past, if possible. Perhaps it’s a relative, family friend, or clergy. It has been a blessing to have open adoptions where our children can learn new words, jewelry, and family history. If you are adopting internationally, seek advice from a person of the same culture. They have insights that you could never have dreamed.

2. Learn about the food of your child’s culture.

Most foster children have feeding issues. From hoarding food to overeating, to not eating enough, foster/adopted children can use food as a control issues. Add to that an adopted child from another culture, the prospects can be daunting! A way to cut down on the control issues while learning about exotic foods is to research foods from that culture. Is your child from Mexico? Try making tamales or tacos (but not from Taco Bell, haha!). Is your child Native American? Make fry bread! Better yet, let your child help you. My daughter, who was born in India, loves naan bread and we try to buy it every chance we get. This will keep your child connected to his culture and will reduce battles at the dinner table.

3. Learn about the hairstyle of your child’s culture.

Take this quiz:

A black child’s hair needs to be washed every day. True or False?

A black child’s hair needs to be blow dried after each wash.  True or False?

A black child’s hair is generally oily.  True or false?

Answer the following: What are razor bumps?

If you are Caucasian and answered True to any of the above questions and don’t know what razor bumps are, you need to be educated. Do research or take classes in African-American hair care. Seek out stores/salons that specialize in this type of hair and hair product (i.e. Sally Beauty Supply). Or seek an African-American friend or family member that may be able to care for your child’s hair. Hair can be very important in many cultures. Take the time to research hair care. 

4. Learn about the dress/jewelry of your child’s culture.

Are you adopting from an Asian nation? Research the dress, traditions, and heritage from that nation. Start a new tradition in your home like, removing your shoes at the door. Is your child Native American? Research the history of turquoise jewelry in Native cultures. Is your child from India? Research what a traditional “sari” or what a “bindi” is. This can fun before you bring that child into your home and really fun if you allow your child to participate.

5. Research festivals/rites of passage of your child’s culture.

Is your son from a Jewish heritage? Consider a Bar Mizpah when he turns 13 y/o. Does your daughter have Mexican heritage? Consider a quinceanera when she turns 15 y/o. Is your child Native American? Look for Pow Wows in your area. Compare different Native tribes in your area. Learn the names of the clans your child descends from. These things may not be important to you, but one day, they will be important to your child. Be prepared!

Here’s the bottom line: a child from a different culture or nationality or race does not automatically adapt to your culture when you adopt. Therefore, you must make the best effort to adapt to hers. It’s a matter of blending cultures. Prepare by learning as much as possible, seeking out advice from others, swallowing your pride and putting yourself in the child’s situation.  

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